Written the week before the New Year:
Moo’s currently laying on the wood floor beside me. Sprawled out under a ray of sun that’s shining through the glass door. She looks so peaceful and content. To spend her day just like any other. Have you ever stayed home with your animals and just observed them? When I used to go to an office I never really gave much thought to what Moo might be doing in her spare time. I just went about my day and came home to her waiting at the door- that was as far as my thought process got. I not imagining her day, her unable/unbothered to imagine mine. And why would she? She’s got her perfect day locked in. I think all animals do. They don’t really think about what they “should” or “could” be doing, they simply just are. They pay no attention to any pressures that may come their way, to be or do anything else. They just… flow.
When I first began staying home, I realized how simple and wonderful their everyday lives truly are. I realized that they bask in the sun, nap whenever they please, prance around a bit, toss a toy around for a while, then back to napping. And never once with a look on their face as if to say “I know you think I should be doing something else, but I’ll do it later.” Nope. They just are. And I know this is sort of silly to say because..well… they’re animals. They don’t have emails or errands or social obligations. But isn’t it interesting how our sense of worth tends to stem from those things? The busier we are, the prouder we feel. But are we happy?
This past year was the first I have not worked since I began my first job 12 years ago. I remember being so excited at that time, to finally have more reasons to take the car, a sense of responsibility, to make my own money. But, of course, the awe eventually ran out. I no longer felt excited to go to work. And so I changed jobs, and then changed again, and again and again… always chasing after something the last job didn’t offer, something that would make me feel like I was progressing toward adulthood. But who was I to chase anything, when I had never really asked myself what it was that I liked to do. What I thought my purpose in life might be.
But continued I did into undergrad, my first job out of college, grad school… and then I quit. I was burnt out, not fully sure what I had been working toward in all of it. Just felt good to have been working toward anything at all I guess. I felt accomplished, until I didn’t. And then I knew it was time to go. I wasn’t sure where to, but somewhere else. I thought I’d immediately feel happier, freer, more at ease. But I was restless. What the HELL was I going to do with my life?! I didn’t want to do anything at all, yet do everything I found purpose in, all at the same time. And feel like the expert, the go-to person, the needed one, accomplished…but in what?
I began writing because I knew it was something I’d always enjoyed- a natural and therapeutic form of expression for me. It was a way to find my creativity again, to listen and trust myself again. It was awkward at first (and still can be), so I put it off for weeks. I kept telling myself that when “such and such” happened, THEN I would be able to write. Dan and my Mom kept asking me about my progress, holding me accountable. Which I loved and hated at the same time. And, regardless of how I felt, so desperately needed. Thank you to you both for looking out and keeping me from getting too lost. For helping me find flow.
I started this blog just a little over a year ago, and I’m proud to still be here. Sitting at this computer screen typing words that I think make sense and convey what’s really going on inside, in hopes someone reads it and recognizes the same within themselves. So we both know we’re not alone. Because I really, truly, do love it. That part, and all the rest of it. And it means so much that you, somewhere out in the world, do too. That you’ve read and encouraged and reached out and told me about how I’ve impacted your life. You have no idea how much your words have impacted mine, too.
I am so excited for what 2022 will bring. I promise to talk more about what I’ve been up to professionally, my journey in finding purpose I truly love. It’s ever-evolving and, even though it’s not always easy and I do still feel lost a lot, a lot of moments are also full excitement, learning and growth. And I hope that, whether you’re in that same space or thinking of how you’ll get there, that you feel inspired and hopeful and encouraged, just like I have by you. It helps. As independent as we are, it’s so much more enjoyable not to go it alone.
From one Complicated Basic to another, Happy New Year! I’m excited for all that’s to come. Thank you for being here!
Side note: This picture reminds me so much of a lightbulb moment I had about what “Complicated Basic” really meant. A time full of inspiration. I’m curious, what does Complicated Basic mean to you?