I just finished a meditation and the thought that came to me right before the alarm went off was “I see all the good, all the time.” Which is funny because I haven’t been feeling that way at all these past few months. All summer really. We’ve been doing non-stop fertility treatments and the constant cycles of hope, then disappointment, then hope again, all in such quick succession, has been maddening to say the least. And it doesn’t help that I’m all hopped up on hormones and am on the defense with everything I eat/drink/do before I’ve vetted it for being pregnancy- safe. And it REALLY doesn’t help that I’ve spent the last many weeks of my life doing all of this in the HOPES that it will lead to a baby. I’m hormonal and can’t do so many normal life things, and I’m not even actually pregnant. Yet.
So if you’d asked me just a week or so ago how I was doing, and if I were being completely honest, I would have told you how hopeless I actually feel. How let down by my own body I feel. How lost I feel now that I’ve spent the last 2 years hell bent on having a baby and didn’t think a thing about growing in other ways (specifically, in professional ways). How confused I feel because my intuition told me we’d be pregnant by now, and we aren’t, and how I really don’t know how to trust any “gut feelings” I have these days. How I’ve become numb and have worked really hard to detach from any and all outcomes. Which makes me sad, but also sane.
But I’d also tell you how tired I am. How I can’t go on feeling the way that I do. Because it’s not a sustainable way to be- to have an underlying and incessant undercurrent of sadness and fear in everywhere you go and everything you do. And then, just a couple days ago, I read this: “Fall in love with life, and life will love you back.” Those words stuck out to me like they were jumping right for me. I needed those words, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we all do. I know not everyone reading this is going through infertility, but I do know that everyone reading this is having a human experience, just like I am. Which means things are imperfect so much of the time. Or at least that’s how we perceive it. So, I’m here to remind you, whether you’re in the midst of something, have been or will be, don’t forget to fall in love with your life.
Get excited about the little things that have somehow become so mundane as we’ve become adults, and find new things to get excited for too. Sure, adulting is hard a lot of the time, but that’s even more reason to find the pieces of joy threaded throughout, and to thread some more in yourself. The more you do this, the more life really will love you back- because it’s all about perspective and the effect we have on everything around us. If we’re constantly looking for the negative, or waiting for things to go wrong, we’ll find it and they will. Which will, in turn, likely lead us to bring this negativity along with us for the day, and share it with others who have been looking and waiting for the same.
But, if we make the conscious choice to find excitement and joy in the little things, and believe everything can go right, then we’re a whole lot more likely to find this to be the case and carry that positivity with us throughout our day instead. And, just like negativity, positivity can spread too. You can make someone’s entire day with a simple smile or “thank you” and not even know it, but you’ll be able to feel it- in every positive interaction, in every little magical or serendipitous moment you have because things went so right. This is how you change your life- it’s not about everything changing around you (because we all know that’s not gonna happen), it’s about changing your perception and internal dialogue.
And this isn’t something that will happen over night- it takes practice and commitment, but it is something you’ll begin to see the effects of right away. Tomorrow morning, when you wake, go outside and say good morning to the day. Take your dogs for a walk and notice how their cute little ears bounce as they walk. When you pass someone, smile and say good morning. It doesn’t matter how any of this is responded to, what matters is that you’re weaving in moments of joy into your daily life that fill your cup so that your focus is no longer on the bad- you see “all the good, all the time.” That is life’s way of loving you back. Things won’t actually work out more often in your favor (okay, maybe sometimes they will because nice people like to help nice people), BUT you’ll pay more attention to the moments when they do and therefore FEEL like things tend to go your way. Stop comparing or getting down on yourself for all the things you want but don’t have. Remember that we’re all here on earth having a human experience, and that no one will get out of here without enduring some hardship. Have compassion for others, have compassion for yourself, and don’t forget to look around and make note of all the blessings you already have. Look for the magic. Fall in love with your life, and it will love you back.
If you liked this post, you might also enjoy: Living in Grief and Gratitude
Sunglasses are Luv Lou.
This is beautiful, Sarah. I appreciate how you have taken something so difficult and heartbreaking and turned it around to inspire not only yourself, but others as well.