So today my Mom painted my childhood bedroom- walls that have writing from friends from over 10 years ago. Dated with little blurbs about whatever it was we were doing that day- a walk-in time capsule. Most notably- moving out of my parents house for the first time- to our first apartment, and for the second time – to San Diego. A place I left Oregon for, 5 years ago now (as of this past March). 5 years ago.. feels like a whole other lifetime. Here’s my reflections from the past 5 years:
There’s a lot of beauty in letting go
I woke up with knots in my stomach this morning, knowing that this painting situation was going to happen. I spent all day thinking about it, just wishing I could be there to do whatever my anxious brain thought I might do to make it better. But let’s be real- the harder you try to cling to something, the more painful that thing begins to feel. When you surrender, let go and let it flow, things start to feel a whole lot more peaceful.
I’m not the best at letting go, so I know this is something I’ll be learning and re-learning for the rest of my life, but it felt pretty damn good to let go today… After I let my anxiety run rampant and stayed on FaceTime with my mom for over an hour directing her for last minute pictures I wanted to take of each wall (I already have plenty of these photos, lol). And yet, a part of me still felt an urge to call her back when we got off the phone, to see the room one more time. But instead, I went downstairs, turned on Van Morrison’s “Days Like This”, and danced in my kitchen with Dan and the fur babes. Oh, and took a shot of peppermint schnapps to commemorate the occasion 🙂
Speaking of letting go… Change is bittersweet, but oh so necessary
Ever since my Dad passed, I’ve had this weird thing about change and how it signals the end of something. Like every little change that happens means the further I get from the life I knew when my Dad was still alive. And for a long time I had a huge issue with it, most of the time without even knowing why. All I knew was that I was insanely resistant to change and couldn’t bring myself to accept it.
But the more life went on, the more I realized how little control over change I had- the one constant of life. Other people began moving on with their lives, and, the more I tried resisting to do the same, the more lonely and isolated I felt.
Accepting change doesn’t mean you just let it happen and never think twice or have any feelings about it- it means you let those feelings process with the ultimate goal of coming back to the bigger picture. Trusting that there’s more to the story than just this chapter. It’s all happening for a larger purpose.
And speaking of a larger purpose… Life happens in literally the last way you’ll ever expect it
..but also in the best way possible, if you let it. When I think back to how 18 year old Sarah thought her life might turn out, it is almost nothing like how it actually has (so far). So much has happened between then and now, and it goes to show how wonderfully unpredictable life is. And sure, there are check points in which major decisions can send you on a completely different trajectory, but ultimately I like to think that no matter what, you’ll end up where you’re meant to go.
So, if you trust the process and remember that everything is happening FOR you, then regardless of if you’re going through a shitty time or an amazing time, you’ll at least understand it a little better. No one is against you, failure is also a gift, it’s all about perspective. It may not always feel like it, but the universe is conspiring in your favor.
It feels very cathartic to write this right now, just one week before my 29th birthday and on the day so many memories are being painted over, so that my mom can sell the house I grew up in. It feels like another one of those big moments when you realize you’re growing up, things are changing, and life as you know it will never be the same. But then you go into your kitchen, take a shot of schnapps, and dance with your dog to some good music… and you know: everything is going to be okay.
If you liked this post, you might also enjoy: 28 Things I’ve Learned in 28 Years